I am from AUSTRALIA!
by Dr Robert Chase
Summary: Chase gets very drunk one night and takes out his frustration in this open letter to fanfiction authors about where he comes from, and how "Australia" is not spelt "USA".
1. Chapter 1

Dear American Idiots,

I've been reading a bit of what you have to offer and frankly I'm not happy.

I am from a country called AUSTRALIA. That is _not _spelt USA. First off, I never went to college; I went to a fucking _university_, or uni, as it's called. Colleges are for fucking Americans. For House to have hired me, I must have gone to a pretty damn good one, which means I obviously went to University of Sydney, or Sydney Uni, where I majored in medicine. I did not stay in a _dorm_; I don't know what the fuck a dorm is, but I got to know the shithouse City Rail pretty damn well during my two hour morning commute. I never _drove _to uni. Not because I'm not rich, because I have more money than you could dream to earn in a fucking _lifetime_, but because there is no parking in Newtown or Redfern, which is where the fucking uni is.

I never attended middle school, nor did I attend elementary school. I started school when I was five in grade _kindergarten_, then I attended a primary school until year six. I then went to high school in year seven, where I had to wear a fucking uniform whether I went to a fucking private school or not. In year twelve I did a tiny little exam called the HSC, which was actually like, seven exams, and I got a UAI of 99.93, which means I beat fucking 99.93 per cent of the population of fucking New South Wales. Never heard of it? Look on a fucking map.

My so-called "summer vacation" growing up wasn't a lengthy three months from June to August. It was five weeks in January, plus a little December. Summer in my country is when you have your winter; use your fucking brains. And it absolutely smashes your summer. Live in Vegas? Think you got it hotter? Bullshit. Try living under a hole in the fucking atmosphere that's protecting the fucking earth. It bakes you alive. I'm a fucking Australian, and I'm a doctor, and I'm passionately opposed to tanning. I saw too many people in my uni days who had gone out for a tan and ended up with skin so burnt it was black, shut up in the hospital burns unit. So no, I'd never go to a fucking tanning salon with Cameron. Any tan I get is fucking spray.

Melbourne is not in Queensland. Melbourne is in fucking Victoria, get it through your thick heads. The capital is _Canberra_, not Sydney, contrary to American belief. I've never voted for a fucking Republican or a Democrat in my life and I don't have a president; I have a prime minister. I vote for the Liberal party or the fucking Labor party. The Liberal party is like your Republican party, whereas the Labor party is like your _Republican_ party. In my country we vote too, except our votes are actually _counted_.

I never went to prom. I drive on the left side of the road, and when I came to America I also walked on the left side of the pathway, which meant I crashed into people. Characterization, people! And by the way, it's not anemia, it's not leukemia, it's not hemophilia. It's fucking anaemia, leukaemia and haemophilia, with the A's. House is a fucking idiot who can't spell to save himself.

I had my first legal drink at eighteen. I could have sex at sixteen and I signed my own medical consent forms at sixteen. I got my learner license at sixteen and a half, and I had to have yellow "L" signs next to my number plate when I drove. I had to drive with a parent for fifty hours, then I took a driving test and got my P plates at _seventeen_. Get it? I couldn't drive alone until I was _seventeen_, not fucking fifteen or sixteen.

I never needed medical insurance. That's what Medicare is for. Don't know what it is? Means the fucking _government _paid for my health care growing up. I didn't have some stupid sob story about my fucking alcoholic mother and absent father not getting me medical insurance so when I was hit by a car/fell down a cliff/broke an arm I couldn't get treatment. We have a fucking government to take care of that.

I've never wrestled a fucking alligator. They're from _Florida_, stupid. I've never wrestled a crocodile either, and Steve Irwin has screwed up my life by making everyone think I've done that shit. I've never seen a shark because they never come to beaches, and the only person I've met who has a pet kangaroo is the local fucking zookeeper.

When I moved to America I went via Los Angeles. There's not enough fucking fuel on a fucking plane to get a direct flight. I've never gotten any kind of disease that you can be vaccinated against because I wouldn't be allowed to leave the country without getting my shots. Plus I'm a fucking doctor, not a stupid conspiracy theory parent. Of _course _I'm gonna get my shots.

In my country there is no such thing as tapeworm, rabies, malaria, etc, because we have a fucking awesome quarantine system. House would have to bring a metal cane over, because he can't take in wood.

I never called my mother "Mom". I called her "Mum", with a fucking U. I've never said ain't and I sure as hell haven't said y'all. It's called a rubbish bin, not a trash can, it's called a biscuit, not a fucking cookie. A thong is a _shoe_, not underwear. If my mum were to have a heart attack I'd dial 000, not 911. What the fuck use is an ambulance service in Texas if my mum's over here dying? No fucking use at all. Use your head.

I hate pickles. All Australians do, except the weirdos. I don't add "mate" to the end of every sentence and I don't call girls "shielas". I have never said the pledge of allegiance.

So basically, do your fucking research. Australia is not spelt USA. I bother to come over here to your country and learn all you have to offer, you could at least try and learn mine when you go in there and try to dissect my life. Put some effort in or fuck off.

Sincerely,

Dr Robert Chase.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Losers,

You are truly grating at my nerves. I am drunk again – wouldn't you be if you just read the puerile dung that I have? I can see I'm just not getting through to you.

I never took out a student loan. I went to uni when John Howard was the bloody prime minister, and he made HECS. Yes, stupid, _HECS_. Learn it, know it, live it! What are HECS? You're too lazy to google it? Fine. HECS means the fucking government paid for my education. When I earn enough, I start paying the fucking government back. Get it? I'm earning enough now, so I'm paying back my HECS fees. _Student loan_… fucking idiots.

It seems to me that I injured some egos the last time round. Well, _I'm sorry_. I'm sorry you're too fucking lazy to do any research, and I'm sorry you're getting all offended when here I am doing it _for _you. I've had a fucking bitch of a day at work; I spend all fucking day fixing people who are often too bloody thick to tell us they've been using needles a friend gave them or some shit; I don't want to come home and deal with this. But while I'm at it, I've never had turkey dinner at home with my family as a kid; I never gave a rat's ass about Thanksgiving. Why the fuck should I care if a bunch of religious pansies came to a country I'd never been to until I was grown? The truth is, I and every other Australian _just don't give a shit_.

We don't fucking celebrate the fourth of July either. Well congratu-fucking-lations, some old guys made some document that had _no effect on me whatsoever_. You idiot, it's called the fucking _Declaration of Independence_, for Christ's sake! Independence, meaning it's for the fucking USA and the rest of the word can get fucked! In case you were wondering, which I am sure you _weren't_, Australia Day is on the fucking twenty sixth of January. But we never really celebrated that much either. Only the fucking politicians. We never wanted to be the America of the Pacific. We're not so fucking nationalistic like you.

And I don't _worship Vegemite_. Sure, it's rather enjoyable if you load it with butter and put on the tiniest smear imaginable, but I can really live without it. I enjoy Vegemite's other purposes: masquerading as Nutella to make Foreman puke.

You know I never imagined I'd have to convince anyone other than House that I'm not British, particularly not people who seem to just love taking my life to fucking pieces and watching me every night, analyzing my every move. I don't fucking drink tea religiously, okay? Get it? I really fucking hope so, because I'm not fucking British and I fucking love my caffeine hit to come from a _real _source: coffee. On top of that, some of you morons seem to think I say _football _instead of soccer. Jesus, you think I talk American in every fucking instance where it's fucking _wrong_, but when we get to a part of the fucking language where I _do _speak American you go and change it! My country already has three footballs: AFL, Rugby League and Rugby Union. They're all fucking _football_, or footy. Soccer is fucking soccer, get it?

We don't all talk like fucking bogans. I couldn't fucking believe it when I read what some dipshits were making me say. Have you _never _heard me fucking speak? In case you hadn't fucking _noticed_, normal people can understand me just fucking fine. I don't need a fucking Australian-American translator. I don't add a fucking "azza" to the end of everybody's fucking name. That's fucking stupid. "Housazza… Foreazza… Thirazza" – I don't even know why the fuck you _thought _of this; I can't even fucking translate that shit!

Oh, and another thing – I wasn't a fucking celebrity growing up because I had a successful doctor for a dad. My dad was never _famous_. Being well respected in your profession and being "famous" are two very different things, and Australians aren't so fucking celebrity starved that they need to turn a _rheumatologist _into a celebrity. I'm fucking off my tits drunk, so I'll admit it, doctors are fucking geeks. No one remotely cool gives a shit about us until they start keeling over. We have _plenty _of fucking celebrities. Try Rove. Shane Warne. Hamish and Andy. The Chaser. Hell, try Miranda Kerr; my father was never a fucking famous guy, and neither was I!

Let me give you a little grammar lesson here. You only need _one fucking preposition_ in a fucking sentence. So you don't fucking say "I got off of the motorbike". You fucking say "I got off the motorbike". Drill it into your fucking skulls, even your American news programs fuck it up; there's _no fucking need for the "of"._

Alright, I know I'm a Catholic, but Jesus fucking Christ you're all getting on my nerves. I never went Trick or Treating; Halloween is a fucking American celebration. Aussie kids nowadays might sometimes try it; but I never did; it was never really big like it is here in America. I had five channels to watch on TV growing up: Ten, Nine, Seven, ABC and SBS, not the hundreds you guys get. I don't even fucking _know _how many you have since I spend too much time saving your fucking lives when you get yourselves sick. I don't call it a tank top; I call it a fucking singlet top. A girl's underwear is called her _undies_, not her _panties_. It's _mobile phone_, not _cell_, and I don't _call _someone on it; I _ring them up_.

And do I _care _that I'm being rude and abrasive? No! It's the only way to get any fucking _results_ from you people. Maybe House isn't that great of a doctor. Maybe he just has the right fucking attitude to get shit from you. Yeah, I know it's bullshit and House is pretty talented, but I got a fucking point.

Seriously, at least put some fucking effort in. Don't come crying to me because I'm fucking pissed and I can say whatever the fuck I wanna say. Actually fucking listen to me instead of believing the world is one place called the USA, and Uncle Sam is everybody's God. Sorry to say this to you, but some of us just couldn't give a rat's ass about Thanksgiving and shit. Doesn't make a smidgen of a difference to us. Like I said before, put some effort in or fuck off.

Sincerely, once more,

Dr Robert Chase.

PS: If you have _bothered _to listen and reform your tragic misconceptions, I and 22 million other Australians thank you. We need more Americans like you.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm not even going to bother starting with a "dear" here. I had a baby throw up on me before ten o'clock, then when I changed into my only spare shirt I had some patient vomit _blood _all over me. I have the worst luck in the world; apparently I'm the only one who bothers taking a spare shirt in – apparently I'm the only one who ever gets _vomited _on. Stupid smug ass Foreman… I really wish people would finally realize that it's not lead or copper or their boyfriend's semen they're allergic to – it's actually the script of the whole fucking show.

So I got home and checked online, looking to see if anyone had done anything worthwhile. I'm almost at my wit's end here – it is spelt _KOALA_, people! Come on! I'll make a fucking exception for the stupid "color" and "honor" or whatever other bullshit words you take the "U" out of, but koala's pretty fucking universal. It takes _one Google search_! _Please_!

Okay, calm down, Robert. I'm here to _educate _you lot, that's why I write these astonishingly rude letters. _Someone_ has to bash some sense into you lot.

I can _swim_. I mean, I can really swim, not the piss weak American doggy paddle you try and qualify as nautical sports. We were taught it pretty well from the time we could walk – water safety, that is. I never fucking _drowned_. If I _did _drown, I would have been either very young, very sick, or had someone pushing me under. Think about it; the entire fucking population of my country lives surrounded by water, what the fuck kind of idiots would we be not to learn how to swim? And it gets _fucking hot_ over in my country. I mean _really fucking hot_. We spend all fucking summer in the pool or the ocean. So don't give me any crap about not being a strong swimmer. I'm the best swimmer of them all, don't fucking forget it.

And I want to ask what the _fuck _is with all this "wombat" crap? Have you ever fucking _seen _a fucking wombat? They're the most boring, ugly creatures on the fucking _planet_. I know I'm not the most entertaining guy in the room, but I'm fucking better than that shit! Okay, I can kinda go for the whole pet name thing – people do it all the time; that's why we're "ducklings" – but I just hope you know what the fuck a wombat is.

I also want to point out that I haven't had a Foster's beer in… God only knows how long. Everyone fucking says "Oh, Chase, you look like you need to relax! Have a Foster's!" Yeah well, I'm pretty fucking sure you can't even _buy _Foster's beer any longer, not that I've really looked all that hard – it really wasn't the best. You probably can buy it, but no one does; we're not like the Irish and their fucking Guiness (not that I'd know). I reckon the last time I had a Foster's beer was when I was fifteen or so, and it was fucking hard to get a hand on, and _not _because I was underage. Get it? I don't fucking drink Foster's – as far as I know that beer's most popular in England. _I AM NOT FUCKING BRITISH!_

Another thing – this goes for _anyone _you write who does not come from the same place as you. I _don't _hear my own accent. I don't speak like an Aussie because I think it sounds cool, I speak like an Aussie because I _am _a fucking Aussie. I think you Americans (and anyone else who may be reading this) have a fucking great big accent too. In fact I marvel at how utterly _nasal_ you Americans can talk. Do you _not _get a sore throat spending all day talking like that? I _don't _fucking decide how I talk, just like you don't, get it? I think I sound fucking normal.

Growing up, my house never had a basement or an attic. I don't fucking know _why_; it'd probably help with the heat, but Australian houses don't have either of them. Oh yeah – and I did grow up in a _house_, not a fucking apartment. My dad earned plenty to keep us housed in the nicest suburbs where they have no apartments. My country isn't too built up; the only people who live in apartments – or _flats_, as we call them – are singles, or maybe a couple of roommates, and usually they're only really in the inner city.

I also _never _worshipped America. I didn't sit there during my lunchtime at school and dream of the fucking star spangled banner. I couldn't fucking believe this when I read it – how fucking arrogant are you? Sorry to ruin your idiotic dream but I was far more likely to sit there at lunch making fun of America than fucking _dream _about it. I didn't run _to _America, I ran _away _from Australia. Come on, you've fucking _seen_ me get stuck into you for your food habits, use your fucking brain!

I never shopped at a Dairy Queen or a Wal-Mart. I bought clothes at Myer and groceries at Woolworths or Coles. When I had a headache I didn't reach for the Tylenol, I reached for the Panadol. I don't speak the fucking Imperial system. It's a fucking dumbass system – I learned enough to keep my job in an American hospital and no more. I speak fucking _metric_, okay? As in a fucking hot day is forty degrees and a fast but legal speed is a hundred. Got it?

Again, I implore you to consider actually fucking _researching _for a story before you write it. Again I ask you to put some effort in or fuck off.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Robert Chase.


End file.
